Projection is one of the most common tools in a bully’s playbook—and it’s often misunderstood. In many cases, the traits or actions they accuse you of aren’t truly yours at all. Instead, they’re behaviors you learned from them in the first place.
For neurodivergent individuals—those living with ADHD, autism, CPTSD, or other conditions—this is especially damaging. We tend to model behavior from those around us, especially peers we trust or admire. We absorb their actions, mannerisms, and even their ways of interacting socially. But here’s the twist: the same people who modeled those behaviors often become the first to shame us for them.
How Learned Behaviors Become Targets
When you’re bullied for something you mirrored from the bully themselves, it’s not really about your actions—it’s about their shame.
- Modeled behavior: You didn’t invent the way you speak, joke, or interact—it was learned through observation.
- Shame avoidance: Bullies may feel embarrassment or regret about their own actions, so they deflect that discomfort onto someone else.
- Control tactic: By labeling you as “the problem,” they create distance between themselves and the very behavior they taught you.
This isn’t accidental—it’s a calculated way to keep you small and deflect attention away from their own flaws.
The Neurodivergent Factor
For those of us who are neurodivergent, mirroring is often part of how we learn to navigate social situations. It’s a coping mechanism—one that can make us especially vulnerable to social bullying and emotional bullying because:
- We tend to take cues from dominant personalities in the room.
- We may not always recognize when those modeled behaviors are harmful.
- When confronted, we may internalize the blame instead of recognizing the projection.
Why Projection Hurts So Much
Being accused of a behavior you learned from the accuser creates a unique kind of betrayal. It’s not just about being criticized—it’s about being punished for trusting someone enough to follow their lead. This is why projection is such a powerful and insidious form of bullying—it rewrites the narrative, making the victim feel at fault for the bully’s own actions.
Breaking the Cycle
- Recognize projection: Understand that this tactic says more about them than about you.
- Document patterns: Keep track of repeated accusations and the context around them.
- Reclaim your narrative: Learn to separate your true self from behaviors that were learned under pressure.
Projection thrives in silence. The more we talk about it, the less power it has.
So let’s make an echo. Let’s make an echo loud enough to disrupt the silence.
