The Pain of Double Betrayal
Bullying isn’t always direct. Sometimes, the most painful moments come when the bully doesn’t face you themselves… they recruit someone you trust to do their work for them.
Let’s Call It What It Is… Triangulation
This is called triangulation, and it creates a deep sense of betrayal because it isn’t just the bully hurting you, it’s a friend, coworker, or even a family member being pulled in against you.
What Is the Bully’s Messenger?
Instead of confronting you directly, bullies often use a messenger:
- A friend who “passes along” their insults or gossip
- A coworker who enforces their toxic narrative
- A sibling or family member who carries out their exclusion
The messenger becomes a pawn, and you’re left wondering if you can trust anyone at all.
👉 Related: Relational Bullying
Why It Hurts So Much
Being targeted by a bully is painful enough. But when someone you trust becomes their messenger, it adds another layer of harm:
- Double betrayal: You lose not just an ally, but someone you thought cared about you.
- Isolation: The bully cuts off your support by flipping your connections into weapons.
- Confusion: It leaves you questioning who you can trust, and whether you’re the problem.
- Control: The bully maintains power without ever speaking to you directly.
👉 Related: Emotional Bullying
The Psychology of Triangulation
Triangulation is a well-documented manipulation tactic. According to relational abuse research, it works because:
- It divides and conquers, turning potential allies against each other.
- It creates winners and losers, one person gets approval, while the other is punished.
- It allows the bully to avoid accountability while still controlling the outcome.
(See: Fosco et al., 2020 Meta-Analysis on Family Triangulation)
Manipulation in Disguise
When a bully uses someone you trust as their messenger, it’s not harmless drama… it’s manipulation in disguise. Recognizing this tactic is the first step in breaking free from it.
Let’s make an echo that reminds people: if someone is carrying the bully’s message, they’re not neutral… they’re part of the abuse.