The Myth of “It’s Just a Joke”
One of the most common excuses bullies use is the phrase: “Relax, it’s just a joke.” It’s meant to make you feel like you’re overreacting, but in reality, it’s a classic gaslighting tactic.
The underlying message is clear: your feelings don’t matter, only their intent does. But here’s the truth: intent never erases impact.
Why Bullies Use “It’s Just a Joke”
Bullies and narcissists hide behind humor to minimize the harm they cause.
- Gaslighting: They shift blame, making you feel too sensitive.
- Social Protection: By framing insults as “jokes,” they protect themselves in group settings. Outsiders laugh, while you’re left hurt and isolated.
- Power & Control: It allows them to get away with verbal abuse while keeping you on the defensive.
This tactic is especially common in workplace bullying and family dynamics, where the bully needs to protect their image while tearing you down.
Related: Sibling Bullying
Psychology of Humor and Harm
Research shows that humor can be a tool of social control as much as it can be a way to bond. When used with cruelty, it reinforces hierarchy, silences dissent, and erodes self-worth.
- “Just kidding” becomes a shield that hides verbal abuse.
- Victims often feel confused: was it really mean, or are they being too sensitive?
This confusion is the goal. It keeps you second-guessing yourself, while the bully escapes accountability.
Connection to Bullying and Trauma
Bullies often weaponize humor in the same way they weaponize silence, gossip, or ostracization. Over time, these tactics can leave lasting psychological harm, including symptoms of anxiety, depression, PTSD/cPTSD, and trauma.
This is why recognizing the pattern is so important. A comment that leaves you feeling small, humiliated, or unsafe isn’t “just a joke.” It’s bullying disguised as humor.
Breaking the Cycle
The next time someone says “Relax, it’s just a joke,” remember:
- You are allowed to set boundaries.
- You don’t have to laugh to make others comfortable.
- You have the right to call it out or walk away.
Your healing matters more than their excuse.
If you’ve experienced this form of gaslighting, visit our page to Share Your Story to learn how speaking out can reclaim your power.
Let’s make an echo that says: bullying is never just a joke.
