“That’s just who she is.”
– The famous Kelly Family excuse
When I came to my mom for help, the response was always the same: “That’s just who she is.”
But here’s the truth: bullying isn’t a personality trait. It’s abuse. And when families dismiss it as “just who they are,” they aren’t protecting anyone but the bully. That silence allowed my sister’s behavior to go unchecked, and it left scars I’m still healing from today.
The Many Faces of Sibling Bullying
Sibling bullying doesn’t always look like a single category of harm. In my case, it showed up in almost every form:
Physical Bullying
My sister once backhanded me across the face while degrading her own child. No one ever has the right to put their hands on you. Physical bullying leaves more than bruises, it leaves the message that you’re not safe in your own home.
Emotional Bullying
Her favorite tactic was the silent treatment, a tactic commonly used in emotional bullying. As young as six years old, I was taught to walk on eggshells when she refused to speak to me for days. Our mom even mocked her by calling her a “mute,” but no one ever held her accountable.
Cyberbullying
When I was in high school, I was sexually harassed online by a classmate. My parents reported it to the school and coaches, and weeks later, my sister started dating him. Turns out she was behind the harassment from the beginning.
Sexual Bullying
She made crude comments about my body and what I wore. It wasn’t about me, it was about her jealousy and insecurity. Sexual bullying isn’t always physical; sometimes it’s about using words to shame and degrade.
Social Bullying
For years, she spread gossip and shared secrets outside of the family. She worked to socially isolate me so she could feel superior. That’s the thing about social bullying: it’s about tearing down someone’s connections so they feel completely alone.
Verbal Bullying
My sister constantly used words as weapons, a common tactic of verbal bullying. She called me names like “loser” so often that it became normal. Once, her insults got so bad that my dad refused to even celebrate her 13th birthday because of how degrading she was toward me.
Financial Bullying
During her custody battle, my sister sent my mom to ask me for $5,000. When I refused, they froze me out with silence until I finally gave them $1,000 from my savings, money I knew I’d never get back. That’s financial bullying: using money and pressure as a form of control.
Triangulation
My mom and sister often worked as a team, gathering information from me just to twist it and spread it. Triangulation is a manipulation tactic that always creates winners and losers, and I was always set up to lose.
Reactive Abuse
Even after I cut ties with her, my sister kept coming back to provoke me. Once, while I was out walking, she sped her car toward me and slammed the brakes just feet away. She wanted me to react so she could play the victim. That’s reactive abuse: baiting you into exploding so they look innocent.
Why Dismissal Makes It Worse
When parents say “that’s just who they are,” it sends a dangerous message: that abuse is acceptable if it comes from family. But abuse is never acceptable. That dismissal doesn’t stop the cycle, it guarantees the bully will keep going, often well into adulthood.
Bullying isn’t rivalry. It isn’t sibling drama. It’s trauma, and when families minimize it, the victim is left without protection or validation.
Breaking the Silence
I share my story because I know too many people have lived the same reality. Maybe you’ve been told to “just get over it.” Maybe you’ve been gaslit into thinking abuse is normal. But here’s what I’ve learned: the moment you call it what it is — bullying — is the moment you begin to heal.
Families who excuse abusive behavior aren’t breaking cycles. They’re feeding them. And the only way forward is to speak the truth, even when the truth is ugly.
Let’s make an echo that says: family bullying is real, and silence is not protection.
