Sometimes, your first bully isn’t at school. It’s at home. For me, my first bully was my mom.
She wasn’t the obvious, in-your-face kind of bully, she was covert. To this day, if someone walks up behind me and I don’t hear them, I jump out of my seat. That reflex started as a kid when she would come flying through my bedroom door without warning, screaming if I wasn’t doing what she expected.
Her bullying didn’t teach me responsibility. It robbed me of the chance to learn healthy skills, because she couldn’t have normal, mature conversations.
Covert Bullying In Families
Family-based bullying doesn’t always look like physical violence. More often, it shows up as:
- Triangulation: pitting family members against each other to maintain control.
- Gaslighting and Lies: twisting stories, making things up, or rewriting reality to play the victim.
- Martyrdom: always playing the “self-sacrificing” parent while hiding abusive behavior.
This is covert bullying, subtle, manipulative, and often invisible to outsiders.
Why Parents Repeat the Cycle
My mom grew up in a home where her stepfather was abusive. She left the house at 18, but the damage followed her. Like many who experience childhood trauma, she repeated the cycle instead of breaking it.
Research shows that family-based abuse and sibling bullying leave long-term scars. About 35% of U.S. children report being bullied by a sibling, and those experiences are linked to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and trauma in adulthood (APA).
But knowing where abuse comes from doesn’t excuse it. Trauma explains behavior, it doesn’t justify it.
The Lasting Impact of a Bullying Mother
When your first bully is your mom, the impact is deep:
- You learn to live on edge, always scanning for danger (hypervigilance).
- You internalize lies, shame, and blame.
- You carry those scars into adulthood, often without realizing it.
For years, I didn’t have words for what happened. I only knew that something was wrong. Naming it for what it is — bullying and abuse — was the first step in healing.
Breaking the Cycle
The truth is, being bullied by your mom doesn’t define your future. You still have a choice. Healing comes when you:
- Name the abuse for what it is.
- Stop excusing behavior because of family ties.
- Reclaim your voice and your story.
You don’t have to carry their cycle of pain any longer.
Let’s make an echo that says: even when the bully is your mother, you still get to choose healing.
