Why Real Apologies Matter After Bullying
In the aftermath of emotional bullying or relational bullying, one of the most validating things a survivor can receive is a genuine apology. But here’s the truth: if the bully was truly sorry, you would know.
Real remorse is not a performance. It does not need a crowd, an audience, or a public stage. A sincere apology can be given quietly, one-on-one, where the focus is on making amends, not making a scene.
The Difference Between Genuine and Performative Apologies
According to Psychology Today’s article on The Art of Apology, a real apology is about taking responsibility, expressing remorse, and committing to change. Performative apologies, on the other hand, are often about image management rather than true accountability.
Signs of a genuine apology:
- It’s delivered directly to the person harmed
- It acknowledges the specific harm caused
- It avoids excuses, deflection, or minimizing
- It comes with a plan to change the behavior
Signs of a performative apology:
- It’s made in public for reputation repair, not reconciliation
- It avoids admitting specific wrongdoing
- It’s focused on how the apologizer feels, rather than the person harmed
- It’s more about optics than actual change
Why You Haven’t Received That Private Apology
If the person who bullied you hasn’t reached out privately, it’s because they aren’t sorry… at least not in the way that counts.
This can happen for several reasons:
- They don’t want to admit guilt
- They fear consequences
- They believe they can repair their image without repairing the harm
- They still feel justified in their actions
The Role of Accountability in Healing
Bullying thrives in environments where there are no consequences. Public image may change quickly, but genuine accountability requires consistent, private acknowledgment of harm, and a commitment to making sure it never happens again.
For survivors, waiting for a real apology can be frustrating and painful. But understanding the difference between performance and sincerity can help you decide when to let go of false hope and focus on your own healing.
If the bully was truly sorry…
…you would know, because they would have the courage to tell you directly, even in private. Real apologies don’t need an audience, a press release, or a performance.
They need sincerity. They need accountability. And if you haven’t received that yet, remember: their lack of apology says more about them than it does about you.
